I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
