hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
