someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
