Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
