Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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