Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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