I wish my penis had an off switch
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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