Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
