??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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