If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
