Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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