I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
