omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
