How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
