So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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