I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
