Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
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So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
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Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize