the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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