I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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