Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
we should paint friendship bongs
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