There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
