i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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