you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
