can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
