I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
