I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
