JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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