I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
