I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
