My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Your mouth is God's brothel.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
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