Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
