you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize