I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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