he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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