His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
