he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
