Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
