we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
