he shaved USA in his pubs
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
