I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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