i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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