Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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