My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
