fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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