I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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