If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize