Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
