Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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