sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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