Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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