he looks like a really good dad on facebook
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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