It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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