Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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