apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
